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I'm no poet, and I've no guts.
I know no way of confessing;
Neither am I sure that the feeling is mutual.
So guess I just have to endure silently (again).
But I wish with the sincerest of my heart,
That I can just sing those lines to you.
In a language you will understand.
Loafey
- being:hopeful
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| Loafey is a competitive person in nature.
Loafey always competes with her peers, her enemies, random strangers and even with her past/future selves...
Loafey is an ambitious person in nature.
...
She's only adding unnecessary pressure to herself, though.
Uh yeahhhh currently I'm (Loafey. I'm Loafey, mind you) pressurised to like, come up with something witty and funny and smart and clever yet classy just to compete with the clever and charming 17-year-old Loafey. I don't know why I feel that need to, you know, keep proving my worth even to myself, it's pointless because at the end of the day, it's hard to change my ways of doing things overnight.
It's just PLAIN stupid, pressurising myself like that.
--But I just can't help adoring the young Loafey for her wit and cheeky ways of describing things... I think I'm losing my sense of humour as I'm making the transition from adolescence well into adulthood. A kinda quarter life crisis, perhaps?
Mew. If this blogpost finds its way to mainstream publishing media people would just comment "GO F*** YOURSELF INSTEAD OF LAMENTING HOW SUCKY YOUR LIFE IS JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE NO LONGER FUNNY. WHEN ARE YOU EVER FUNNY ANYWAY, YOU ANNOYING WOMAN" or the likes of it.
Why is it that I can't be funny when I try to be funny? mew. heheh I guess this "mew" thing is one of my desperate attempts to cling on to cuteness, which characterises childhood.
Omg. Just a quick glance at the above paragraphs tells me that this blogpost is gonna be a piece of shit full of complaints and self-deprecating shit. If I had been more steadfast in my desire to be a professional writer, I would have been on my way to an abbatoir.
The divine powers from above have thankfully intervened, I say.
Mew. I know nothing about sarcasm and caustic comments lately that everything coming out from my mouth has been serious and dry, dull stuff that even I'm bored to death by myself and my ears are perpetually clogged by dung. Ew. Waxy dung in my ears. Go figure. I'm now bored and disgusted, by myself. Great, Loafey great. You've successfully stabbed yourself again, metaphorically, of course.
I just read this post done by my friend (or someone I want to be more than friend? Ooh that's frank of me) and I was somewhat... awed by the depth of his writing and... I don't know. That post was even better than my "authentic" note and "Spissog" note, and he was totally genuine and not superficial. Just being all him. And the thing is that I didn't know that there exists THAT dimension in this guy, which I had originally thought, it doesn't matter if he doesn't have it coz perhaps I've liked him first but well, there it goes.
There are more to him and, I sincerely wish to find out more.
Perhaps it's the thing with liking someone--it's a game theory.
Like, ASSUMING that two participants have fallen for each other, but their feelings are unknown to each other.
To NOT-confess Remain Silent would be the dominant strategy in MY game because there is no possibility of you getting hurt due to rejection.
While confessing may give you me a better 'reward', the pain of getting rejected is just so... INYOURFACE that you'd rather stay in the NOT-confess;NOT-confess box... like, like, a Nash equilibrium? Maybe?
Goodness, if this is econs is all about I might have gotten an A plus for my ECON001 -__- just saying.
Oh uh yeah back to the writing...
Okay, this friend of mine signed off with a note saying how he has a blog, too, somewhere, hidden deep in collections of blogs and online journals and it's near impossible for someone to find it just-like-that... and my curiosity was instantly piqued and I want to find his online journal... but HOW?
I'm not a stalker. Although I know that I have a stalking tendency and I know that I have the capacity (ahem. Loafey is a resourceful girl), I respect people's privacy above all things. It's just that... okay fine. ME IS CURIOUS.
I yearn to discover more about him. Is that wrong? ._.
Pooh. It seems I have to give up churning out something funnily arresting as my mood is somber at the realisation how worse I'm getting after all these shit I'm subjected to in college. Like my creativity is basically trumpled and shrunk--college is very much like the shrinking gun in Despicable Me. It shrank the moon to a mere stone. Let alone my creativity. It's already small to begin with ._. sobzzzz
I wish I were more gifted in wit-department, very much like how guys always wish their little brother were sizess larger -_-
Signed,
Loafeylineage - being:crappy
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| When I read all the things I posted more than two years ago, I feel nostalgic all of a sudden it prompted me to visit my old class blog and the faculty blog.
Oh the abandoned links of those blogs! Okay, fine perhaps it's a bit unfair to say that the faculty blog is abandoned, just because in comparison to those days I was serving in the committee...
Me never looked back there.
Okay perhaps I did, once or twice, in a blue moon.
But it's still much better than my class blog, which according to the chatroom counter, the last time I visited that thing was in July 2010, where I was in teh middle of preparing for prelims? hahahah
Goodness. Jolly goodness.
Honestly, I miss writing those kinds of cheery, pleasant blogposts to keep everyone in the loop, putting on the persona of someone who actually cares about you, someone who wants you to know what is going on in life, someone who is kaypoh enough to take charge of a group of people and lead them in times of difficulties and exams.
Such a hypocrite, Of course I found updating my class blog a chore.
I used to think JC was exhausting. Uni is effing more tiring okay.
I'm quelle hungry now.
28 minutes to freedom. To lunch!
Sometimes when I read my previous blogposts, I can't believe how mature I've already been and how intelligent and opinionated. And how fluent I was in English. Nowadays, I'm just a jelly-like shit trying to float in the ocean called university.
Gahhh I just screwed my TWC presentation this morning and I just found out how badly I've done my AS midterm so yeah. Don't talk to me about academic stuff. I've had enough of them this week.
In times like this, I just want my most trustworthy pal to sit next to me, talk me through this depression and assure me it's gonna be okay in the end.
But it's too bad that I'm so terrible at keeping friends around so most of them are overseas or somewhere in NUS.
Sincerely,
Loafeylineage - unsure of my whereabouts but they say I am in/on/at:SOECR3.5
- being:crushed
 - singing along to:music and gender discrimination!!!!
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| E walao BB 9670 was launched on my birthday last year ehh!
whenn whennn whennn will it arrive heree?? | |
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"so, loafey... when's your turn?" at the last outing.
"huh? what turn?" I asked him back, while munching at my pizza.
"uh."
(awkward stares around the table, which happened to be crowded with attached people.)
"oh. oh wells. hahah"
"next time."
"when's next time!"
"oh why? hahah you've got one already, *name* ?"
"hah. no lah. just asking..."
a sly smile, and now that moment is etched on my brain. and 지금 난 그를 보고 싶어.
oh shit.
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| In captivity, I'm being rebellious as I yearn to break free.
In captivity, things are so dull and stagnant
though i have to suck it up and lie
because in captivity,
is where i should be. | |
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Dearest Dewi
Whoa. Count yourself special, eh, Frau Suprana, for thy name is the first name I've explicitly written here. Hahaha but, uh well, me just wanna be specific here, today.
Though, it's not like, this is gonna be the last last message I'll ever write for you, for, of course, with the advancement of ICT today, it'll be hard to not keep in touch instead -____-" hahah and I'm pretty sure we'll meet again somewhen in April, no? And of course, in the distant future [:
And it's not like, a farewell letter, like you know, the letters of Iwo Jima oh whatever, noo hahah this piece of academic writing is actually just to showcase my linguistic ability, uh you know, a manifesto of what I've learnt thus far from my 2-year stint in JC... heheh heheh heheh anyway--gw harap lu ketawa atau menggeleng2kan kepala sekarang...
Hahah
Anyway. Even though this won't be the last time you've heard of Loafeylineage, but yesterday (or two days ago or three, depending on which day you're reading this) was our last meeting before you leave for Deutschland in May. It was--I hope I hope and I'll work towards it--probably the last time you'd ever be waiting for me (please pardon my tardiness... ahemahem) (kecuali kalo lu kangen gw akan ketelatan gw jadi ntar pas kita ketemu lagi yahhh gw telatinn juga dehh ahahahahah) and for this 'latecomer', the harshness of it all dawned upon me err quite later too...
heheh. For me, it is hard to think that we're really not gonna meet face-to-face like yesterday for the next 5 or 6 years. For me, it is hard to imagine that there will be no more midnight phonecalls, no more girls' night out, no more giggles or even a treat at din tai fung for that matter--with THEE.
Aiyoh. We've been through farewells before--pas ninggalin temen2 di jakarta/semarang/bandung/surabaya, pas semua ninggalin NYGBS mau ke JC, pas lu nginep di rumah gw hahahah, when we graduated from JC, when our loved ones departed from this world--and admittedly, tears will always flow oops maaf, don't mean to end this on a sad note ahahahah. I'd already forget all about it on the next day.
But, but why does this feel so different?
We all said our goodbyes with our JC friends whom we know will be leaving for their undergrad studies overseas--we bade them farewell with a smile even as we know that that would be the last time we'd hear of them until they've returned to singapore again to serve their bonds with their scholarship dispenser (HAHAH DISPENSER. Oops sorry hope my future scholarship dispenser, whichever organisation it is, won't take this seriously :P:P) and have climbed the corporate ladder so high we can only look up in awe.
Awww.
But you, why are you so special, ehh? I didn't even cry that evening on F's birthday even though I hugged her and after pondering out loud that I'd miss even the boys (in spite of their smartypantyness that always made me feel soo tragic and accidental back then in the school days). Hahahah again, perhaps it is the thought that there would be no more treats at din tai fung funny stories about doraemon or spongebob love triangle (kalo ga ngerti, tanya mengapaa) from a uber nonjudgemental friend on whom I can always rely.
Or perhaps it's the feeling of being left behind.
Ah wells.
Whatever. Just that, take care in Deutschland okay. Actually I had wanted to call you this evening (Rabu Abu) but sth just cropped up that in the end it was too late to call and uh..
Coz actually I had wanted to sing sth HAHAHAH to you (some tearjerker song). But anyway, I bet you're secretly thankful of this messed-up plan of mine coz it's saved you from possible ear-infection in the near future.
Uh. Actually it's a Korean song, and it's about lovers, BUT I planned to change all the 사랑아 (love) to 친구야 (friend) hahah. Sooooooooooo, I still want you to listen to that song anwyayy.
Just copy paste this on youtube's search engine: 너에겐 이별, 나에겐 기다림 by 영웅 재중.
Searchnya yang pake eng lyrics juga aja sekalian. ahahah.
ntar ada lyricnya yg goes like,
어디서든, 언제라도
힘들고 지칠땐 내게로 돌아봐
제발
행복해야 해 내친구야 [:
that simply (eh okay, not really simply... but anywayyy) means
anywhere, anytime; when life's hard or you're tired, come back to me.
please, you must be happy, my friend (with some lyrics changed, of course -__-" gw bukan lesbong)
of course this song is much better when sung by a guy to a girl or vice versa, but eh, i suppose, a special friend deserves a special (though embarrassing) treatment, right? :D:D heehee
(please jangan pake ini buat bikin gw malu balik. awas lu) hehe
So. At the end of the day, HAVE FUN AND TAKE CARE DI JERMAN SANA :D
날 기억해!!
널 사랑해 [:
Loafeylineage.
- being:nostalgic
 - singing along to:너에겐 이별, 나에겐 기다림
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It seems to me that I've lost my Midas' Touch, that you can no longer say I'm an excellent student, that I'm fugly, that my hair is oh-so-bad that my only consolation is to insult a friend of mine who just got a haircut and doesn't appear to like his new hairstyle.
Layer by layer
I'm peeling the mysteries of life. Why does it have to be like this? Why does it have to go that way?
Why did we meet and fall in love, why do I stop loving you now, then? Why must this life be so difficult?
Why should they lie? Why should I lie? Do you have the suggested solutions for 2010 A level papers?
Want
Someone to abuse. Someone to fill this empty heart.
Gone has the moon, gone has the cake.
Now that I have to wait for the next year,
Lord,
I hope that time will pass even faster.
To dream is to feel pain
For you know that you want something
splendid
But you know that you're stuck in the
sucky
reality.
(But don't worry,
even though I've lost faith in life
I harbour not a single suicidal thought
For I am so cold and tired
that frozen has my blood
and weary is my bone)
I want to bring a banana to school tomorrow
stick it on to my lips
so that everyone would think I'm funny
and jolly.
And who knows someone would slip over the banana peel once I eat the fruit and drop the peel to rot on the ground.
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| Well, it all began with a "heyy", and my usual complaint about how I lack the motivation to study for the upcoming prelims (which is like, I dunno, very familiar for you, I guess? haha) when you suddenly slammed me with the cold, hard fact, that I've changed.. for the worse.
Okay, it's not really a fatal change that could put our friendship in peril or the likes of it, rather it's a mortal combat that I need to win for myself, and my *BRIGHT* future--whatever "mortal combat" means, actually. I just got the impression that it means a life-or-death fight kind of thing and I didn't bother to check the dictionary.
I just want to thank you for your nosiness and your bossy declarative "Duh, I know you well" for it brings my mind back to...
2006--my mind was all set on Singapore. I would pursue higher education there. Nothing could stop me from going there unless, well of course my scholarship application was rejected. duhh. I threw in all my heart and soul to achieve it, by all (honest) means and yeay, I got it. What a feat [:
2008--I was all HCHCHCHCHCHC and I didn't want to enter any other JC but HC.
God knows, how fretful I was at that period. And my closest friends knew how I asked XX to buy me an HC pe shirt before the dOughnuts so that I could wear it while studying hahaha. And yeay. Another feat was accomplished. I got in! [:
2010--I've eaten the humble pie of the world (or so I thought) and my ambition has been somewhat mutilated and scattered dunno where. I'm aimless, motivation-less, life-less, scared yet as fretful as I had been two years ago. Only God knows what kind of quagmire I'm in, for I don't want to flunk my prelims--yet I have no desire to study either :[
In my almost-2 years in JC, I've learnt not to aim so high, so that I won't fall so hard either, but apparently it had cost me my turbopowered-will. sigh. It's not true that I'm not as strong as I was, it's just that I've mellowed and dulled, in a way, that I'm not as daring and audacious as I was then. It's just that I'm becoming more protective of myself, that I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to think, to live knowing that I've failed, uncapable of something hence I "adjusted" my targets accordingly.
I know, it's kind of cowardly and foolish of me, to think so lowly of myself, to demote my self esteem and confidence, but how! What else can I do!
_____________________________________________________________
"You're the most ambitious person that I know".
Oh dear. That's just enough to make me ponder, "where have I been?"
Sigh. I guess you're right. I'm just too stubborn and obsessive in chasing after my dreams. My sheer determination is a titanium wall that not even a C4 bomb could shatter into pieces. Thanks L, for helping me to overcome this inertia called laziness.
(SPHSPHSPHSPHSPHSPHSMUSMUSMUSMU or NUS also cann hehehehe)
yours sincerely,
loafeylineage
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Whee. ThreeD is so overrated.
Twilight is also VERY overrated.
Together combined they will not succeed in the market.
Eh they alliterate oh dear! how cool is that! So unlike the topic I'm talking about.
I've lost faith in 3D movies, by the way.
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